I have to admit that I am completely obsessed with the 1920's. The fashion, cars, booze and secrets!!! Flappers, moonshine, gangsters, jazz and.... don't forget PASSION... consume me, as I think about the Speakeasy Era. As I watched The Great Gatsby yesterday with my Mom and Sister... I have to tell you, as much as everyone loves to hate Daisy, I found myself feeling sorry for her. At times, I even felt as if she were normal. Normal, meaning ...so similar to how we can be now in this day and age. Sure, she was choosing to marry for money and security, but are you telling me we don't do the same thing?!?! I can blab all day that I would not marry for money, but I would want my man to be secure, stable, emotional baggage free and have his shit together. I do realize that I am also in my mid 30's... they were very young when they met. Am I saying that Gatsby deserved what he got in the end? Of course, not... I just felt like all the Daisy haters were being so hard on her. I mean, why did JG have to hear her say she never loved Tom?!?! Let it go buddy. She said, "Let's run away!"... I wish he could have let his inner battle call a truce and win the girl. It made me think about my inner struggles. How many times have I met a guy that really loved me, but yet... I wanted more?!?! What is that about? Why do people always want more?
All the cheating and indiscretions that occurred in history, still carry on today... especially with the invention of the internet and texting. Why is scandal always a part of love? Lying to ourselves and leading a double life... how exhausting. I have met so many people over the years, and several recently that have been married, but separated after an affair. Very few marriages and relationships recover. Some couples will actually get back together after a few years of the divorced life and dating (sleeping around). They decide they'd rather live in comfort as a family and leave the idea of true love and passion behind. Hearing that, makes me so sad. It sounds like such a half life? Doesn't it? But, what the hell do I know?!? I don't have kids or a husband. Maybe, it's worth the sacrifice?!?! Could I ever give up sex and passion for security and safety? I don't know.
I've currently given up sex and passion. Now.. I am not saying... I give UP! I am simply choosing to wait for someone that really gets me going. I talked it over with my beav and she agreed. My dating muse said - "Rebecca, you know what you want." and he's right - so, I will wait. In the meantime... I will be enjoying the adventure, which is LIFE!
I think about Gatsby and Daisy and wish for the story to have gone differently, but for this classic tale of love and loss - we must learn something - right?!?! They both made mistakes. Did Gatsby really love HER, or just the IDEA of her? Did he even really know Daisy? Do we ever know the people we fall in love with? I can only hope to be a fool.... a beautiful fool.
Cheers to you, J. Gatsby (a hopeless romantic).
I got back late on Friday night from a work trip to Chicago. Chi-town is by far one of my favorite cities. There are so many things to do, like have a foot long and an Old Style at a Cubs game, attend a healing circle at the Ruby Room in Wicker Park, have a Tree-tini at the Palmer House or have a classic Manhattan at the famous pub downtown, Miller's. I LOVE city life. BUT, coming home always feels amazing. Louisville is the jam and traveling just makes me enjoy it even more. The only thing I did notice on my trip that I don't see here as often, were gentlemen. Now, Louisville dudes... don't get all huffy. I know plenty of men that have their polite hats on most of the time. BUT, I have brought this subject up a lot, because there is a need to mention it. In my hotel, I had men holding the elevator door for me ... AND THEN... they would say "After you" when it was time to exit. What?!?!? Something as simple as manners can make my whole day brighter! It happened the entire week. Not just on the elevator. Chicago men were showcasing some serious gentlemenly ways. Color me impressed. It did not exactly turn into any hot dates, but it was still nice to witness. Go CHI guys!!!
I did have one weird-o "approach" me, if you consider approach to mean - write a grammatically incorrect note on a napkin and drop it off next to a lady of interest at the bar?!?! WTF? I couldn't even get a good look at him. He was basically running. I kept the note, took a picture and of course, posted it on facebook. It was too funny. There was no number.... so I couldn't even say... "Ya know what, I am not interested." .... oh well. It created a fun story for everyone at the bar and I started chatting it up with the guy next to me. He was traveling for business as well. We talked about his kids, ex-wife and dating. After discussing the dating scene in Louisville and expressing my frustrations at times.... this guy said one simple sentence that will not leave my brain. "You have the ability to know if someone is for you, after one date." I was like, you are fucking crazy dude!! BUT, then he explained it. He was telling me that I KNOW what is most important to me and I also, know the deal breakers.... yet.... when some men display negative attributes... I stick around anyway, because of attraction or my own need to BE with "someone" vs. the right one. It blew my mind. This guy just gave me all of my power back. I have so desperately needed to remember I have the control over my experiences. So, thank you lame note guy... you helped me meet my dating muse. I had to share that sentence with you.... it is something we should always remember. We have the power over our choices. I will work on choosing what makes me happiest! So far, so good.
Life is so wonderful!
Cheers to sunny Sunday's! I am off to see Gatsby - FINALLY!!!
Why do we have to almost die, spiritually or emotionally sometimes before we can "GET IT"? I told my girlfriend, Teneia today... I felt like I had been slowly sipping poison every day for the past few months. Isn't it crazy how one relationship can be such a weight on your heart? At least, it was for me. Every day that I am free of the "poison", I feel my body healing. My mind is clear, my heart is open and as soon as I cut the cord (for real) - good things started happening. It's almost been non-stop since I let it all go. I do miss the peen, I can't lie... but I know that will fade too. I can entertain myself anyway... who needs a penis in the face?!? HA! What? I do!!! But, it can wait. It is not my priority right now. Mental health and financial security are my goals. I need to put my dating life on the back burner and get busy with a few other things.
BUT, just because I am not "dating" anyone... does not mean I have not been going out on dates. Is that fucked up? I like to hit the town and have fun, but nothing serious. I have been talking to a few guys here and there. Only 2 or 3 non-date like thingies.... I cooled things off with Mr. Gorgeous and started talking to Mr. Manners... but both of those guys seem ready for a relationship. Call me crazy to pass up getting serious with these wonderful men, but if it's not right... it's not right. It could be timing, it could be chemistry... who knows?!? Mr. Gorgeous, sure is gorgeous! Hanging out and having beers was hard for Miss Beav to take the other day... I had to get her home and put her to bed (wink wink). I have my moments of being a decent human being and not just thinking with my libido. Feelings are involved, so it's best to NOT go there. Right? Then there is Mr. Manners... he is lovely. I don't know what else to say about it... just lovely. BUT - I worry I am not ready for what he needs. Blah.
Last, but not least... I had a blast from the past! Believe it or not... I am walking on air... sorry.. that song popped in my head... anyway - my boyfriend from the 6th grade messaged me on Facebook a week or two ago! As soon as I saw the name, I remembered how stinkin cute he was and how much I loved going steady in the 6th grade (for a whole 3 weeks probably). The other thing I remembered was our "date" to Paoli Peaks. Our brothers were the same age, so they took us skiing on a special "Washington County" discount day. I had never been skiing before, but my lil BF had. He ran off with his buds and I stuck to the bunny slope. I was happy as a clam on the bunny slope. Every once in a while he'd come over and check on me (so sweet). THEN - my jerk head older brother told me there were more bunny slopes to the right and got me going down a giant hill. I was flying low and screaming, of course!! My brother directed me to fall, so I could stop. I fell alright... on my fucking face. I plowed half the hill with my god damn cheek and eye ball! I was in pain, crying and totally embarrassed (was my BF watching?). I ended up drinking hot chocolate the rest of the day in the lodge. Fuck skiing. Anyway... so my "Ski Buddy" messaged me and we've been talking a lot. This man brings out the country side of me, which no one gets to see around here. It feels kind of nice. But, it makes me nervous too. I am not sure what kind of dates I can expect. I went to meet him yesterday at a Tavern in Southern Indiana. I was a little scared just looking at the place, everyone was smoking (including him) and no one offered to buy my drink (we're talking a $2 Bud Heavy y'all). He doesn't even know what he is in for... does he?!?!
We may just reconnect as old buds. Time will tell. Oddly enough, I am in no hurry and feel as if I have all the time in the world. Without negative poison polluting my mind, all the things I want most in life are happening - day by day. What's better than that?!?!
Cheers to breaking thru!!
SECRETS! I know, everyone has em'. When we are dating someone, how much of ourselves are we REALLY supposed to divulge - AND - WHEN? I have single girl behavior that is difficult to let go of, when I meet a new guy. For instance, porn... how soon do you bring that up? "Hey, how was your day? I watched like 2 hours of porn earlier. What did you do?" See.... it's weird, right?!! Or is it? I've brought this topic to some women I know and they GASP at the thought of their men watching porn and/or getting off to porn themselves. Seriously?!!? C'mon girls... you don't know what you are missing. I do not judge people for their single sexual behavior. I mean, we have to get thru the lonely, horny times somehow - Geez!! I will say, that I have never really shared the porn watching with a partner - as a thing... like an event. Well, maybe I did once.... but it wasn't that memorable. I was more into the person than the "bow chickey bow bow". It was fun to be that open with someone, though.
What about secretly flirting or texting with someone else, when you are in a relationship? Is that mentally or emotionally cheating? I had drinks with a friend the other day and they expressed to me that they were getting texts from others that were interested in them. So, apparently late night, buzzed messages will come in and the flirting begins. This person, is currently in a relationship. I encouraged my friend to disengage in the correspondence. I feel like it leads to trouble. I mean, in my opinion, there must be something missing in the current situation... creating a need for attention. BUT, is it THAT big of a deal... it's only texts?!!? Thoughts?
Some of my best conversations lately (sadly), may have happened via cell phone message or email.... shit! I just realized, my dating life, even though I am off POF (Plenty of Fish).... is still somehow existing ONLINE! Fuck. I say this and I look down at my phone to see the sweetest message from a man. I guess, that is just how it is now. My GOD, I miss getting asked out on dates. Thank goodness for my man friends... they take me on faux dates all of the time. In fact, I just found out I am going to see Justin Timberlake in December!! YESSSS!!! MF, you are the JAM!
Ok... so Happy Thursday! I was off today and I did a whole lot of nothing!!!
Cheers to days OFF and porn!
I cannot believe it, but Louisville has made a new ranking in the dating polls. An online dating service took a survey and deemed Louisville to be #7 in superficiality, when it comes to online dating! Check it: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20130501/NEWS01/305010172/-1/ 1. Salt Lake City, 2. Portland, Ore., 3. Houston, 4. Chicago, 5. Washington D.C., 6. Los Angeles, 7. Louisville, 8. Miami, 9. New York City, 10. Dallas. I don't know if this is a ranking I am proud of y'all. I get it, online dating sucks, but are we too quick to judge? One look at someone's profile pic and we will either write them off... or shoot them a flirty message. Are there possible love connections missed, due to the fact that the other person simply does not know how to take a good picture!?!? I don't understand some of the photos used on profiles. WTF? I will rule out any man that has a picture of himself chugging a beer, holding a dead animal in his arms or kissing his own bicep. Really guys?!? I suppose, someone out there might be looking for you, but it ain't me. I want to see your face, your basic body build and maybe something that reflects your interests or sense of humor. Is it THAT hard? Girls are just as bad. Why do women have upside shots? Do women think they look sexier upside down? Does it make the wrinkles go in the right directions? I mean, hey.. I am all about looking younger... but I will stick to being right side up (for pictures, at least). I am so happy to be OFF online dating... back to just normal ol' dating. It's funny, I made some really decent pals thanks to POF. In fact, one of my guy friends came over and mowed my grass for me last week, because my mower (Henry) died... how fucking sweet is that?!?! When I think about the guys I judged quickly, online... I feel pretty solid about why I turned away. AND, I feel especially good about the ones I connected with... well, for the most part. I had my weak moments and I can totally admit to being shallow. I want to be attracted to my partner, but there is something to be said for mental stimulation. It is so nice when I am into my date mentally and physically.... YUM! Check, please! So, I am curious. Do you feel like online dating makes us superficial FREAKS? Is our Mr. or Mrs. Right - in front of us in a bad photo looking pale and chubby... and we'll never give them a chance? I am sure this is why catfishing exists. That is some fucked up shit. Using someone else's picture to get to know others = ISSUES. Emotional baggage much? What can we do about this crappy ranking? How can we be more open to love? Less judgey and more accepting? Suggestions? Let's vow to be less superficial... for one whole week and see what happens. Cool? Cool. Cheers to Tuesday's! I had a hell of a great day! I sold a piece of art ... AND... a new MINI! Whohoo! Life is grand! I am currently suffering from a Sushi Coma.... I love Dragon Kings Daughter in the Highlands! *rubs bellyXO
Um... I just had a message travel over the web world and land in my "inbox"...if you know what I am sayin... and it was so good... I had to share!!! First of all, Thank you Stu (yes - I am giving you credit), you always know just what I need....ahem. Anyway, without further delay, please watch this video. "The Kentucky Dirty"
, vibrator races in Vegas. I am sooo doing this next year! I am trying like hell to get my very first sponsor and this would be THE perfect event to sweeten the deal. I am obviously, going after a sex toy company. Fingers and vagina lips crossed (ohhh... maybe at the same time)! Dang. I am way horny and fired up today. It must have been that video... OR the fact that I have not had sex in a bit. A bit, for me, would be over a month?!!? I guess?!!? Shit... I am not sure. I stopped counting the days and hours. So, whatever.Do you think as we get older we need more stimulation to turn us on? More extreme situations? Such as: sex clubs and open relationships? Is that an age thing or just a sexual preference thing? I swear, I am destined to go to a sex club. I was having drinks with a guy last week and the subject came up, somehow... and he is all about it. I am like, holy hell!!! Let's go! I want to experience it, but it has to be with the right person. I do want to feel attracted to the person that accompanies me. It's not like I am going to FIND someone there... I'd like to enjoy my date and the atmosphere. So, I am open to it with the right guy... or girl. I am fascinated by the openness I am discovering in Louisville. Who knew that folks here were into sexy time, after hours, in the shadows... fantasy lives!?!? I am intrigued, to say the least. You know, I will report back after my escapade. Hellz yeah! So, this is a shorty, but a goodie. I hope everyone had a great Monday. Cheers to... SEX!!! XO
My 3rd VLOG about dating and such....
Last weekend, as I was leaving the house of a very handsome man (I was being so responsible and heading home at a decent hour - are you proud?), I got a phone call from my neighbor. Now, usually... if my neighbor calls me - it ain't good news. "Rebecca, your house alarm is going off!" or "Hey, I am pretty sure your front door is wide open!"... stuff like that. So, when I looked down to see his number flashing - my heart sank. Fuck. What now?!!? "Hello?" "Uhhh... yeah...Rebecca - you're car just got smashed by a couple cars over here... are you home?" SHIT!!! Seriously?!?!? Lucky for me, it was NOT my MINI or my boss's MINI (a bad ass JCW Convertible - that I happened to be driving for a very swanky charity event the next day)... it was my second car. Poor "VIBE-rator". I have had my blue Pontiac Vibe for over 5 years now. She got caught in a drunk tag team - on their way to White Castle. Bollucks! I arrive to the scene to meet these drunkos. Neither story makes any sense. They both blame each other. All I keep thinking is, the damage is clear - let's figure this out! The officer came directly to me, first. I am sure he was hoping I knew what had happened, because I seemed to be the only sober, normal looking person. Sorry, buddy... I just got here.
I am bringing all of this up - because - 1.) I have really crappy luck lately and 2.) I picked up the police report yesterday and it said - NO ONE could be determined AT FAULT. As soon as I read those words, it made me think about my dating life. Why does it always seem like I feel better, if I know someone else is at fault? I guess, mostly, because that means the reason things went wrong ... was not because of me. WELL... news flash - both parties contributed, dummy. Walking downtown, grasping this stupid police report, I realized that the two dating disasters that just occurred... were in fact partially my fault. Argghhhh!!! Damn it! Wouldn't it be nice to blame the guys?? Throw it all on them... say they were weird... or big fat jerks? I mean, I could say that, but I know it's not the truth. I dated one guy too soon before I was over another ... simple as that. My choices majorly affected my own happiness this past weekend. Blah! I cannot pin this sad sack attitude on anyone, but myself. Yes - one guy was probably a little out of line and ass hole-ish, but I opened up the avenue for him to do so. The other guy, he... unfortunately, just got hit by me... after I got crashed into by an emotional wrecking ball. Sorry man, that was not part of my "win him over" dating plans.
I got a couple really cool messages on Sunday and yesterday that put things in perspective for me. I, determine my story. If I seem to keep reading the same shitty lines... I need to fucking change it already. I am the only one that can make that happen. Do I want to date someone that makes me smile, yes! So, why go after someone that doesn't have the faintest clue how to make that happen!?!? DUH! It's so obvious, but I was blinded by love and lust. The other message that really resonated with me, had to do with power. We, as women, give up our power way too easily. It's like, we forget how amazing we are, how much we have to offer and what we deserve.... we tend to throw caution to the wind and chase after a person that doesn't see the uniqueness we hold in our hearts. God Damn it, we are - our own worst enemy, ladies!!! When I read that message from another strong, independent woman... it got me so fired up and excited about being ME!! She is so right. I could see myself as this slumped over, depressed, half person and that was SOOOO not hot! Each day forward... I am remembering all the things that make me special and different. I will celebrate that and try like hell, not to worry about some dude.... any dude.
It's Derby week... the sun is out and I have so much party planning and MINI driving to do! Who is coming with me!?!?
Thank you for always being here, listening and responding!
Let me start this blog by saying.... it's been hard writing, without my muse. I didn't realize how heavily I relied on one man to inspire me, with moment after moment of irreplaceable, mouth watering content.... but I was. Even though it upset him, made him uncomfortable and drove him to delete me from his life.... he always allowed me to do it. This man pushed me to be a better writer, he made me feel ok about my freaky side, he introduced me to sexting and set the stage for what I want my sex life to be like.... the only thing he didn't do, was love me. When I think about how far I'd go to be with him, it's scary. I would give up just about anything to have time with him. When he texts or contacts me... I am always hoping, THIS time he is going to tell me - he wants me and he is sorry for staying away for so long. BUT, that never happens. He said he missed me the other day and I was so over joyed.... except then he clarified what he meant by that - "I miss your company, now don't read into that, Rebecca." What?!?! You miss my company? What does that mean? Then he also said, "I can have sex with you, but not feel the need to have a relationship. I can keep that separate." O.k. Thank you. I didn't realize people are really like that... capable of having sex... without feeling... with someone they claim to care about, want to hang out with and value as a friend?!!? Is this really happening? Is this really my life?
I briefly dated a guy recently, that would freaking figure out a way to hang the moon in the sky a certain way, if it made me smile. Why can't I want that guy?!?? Oh... maybe, because I am still wrapped up with a guy that cannot figure out what I mean to him. He will randomly text me to see what I am up to, stop in to my office to inquire if I am available for lunch... "Check in on me"... as he would say. Does he have a reason to check on me? Maybe. I have been really sad lately. Sometimes, I get so sad that I cannot stop crying. I sink into this dark swirling hole of emotion and it takes all of my strength to get out of it. I have even had suicidal thoughts over the years. Typing that is so fucking hard. Knowing others will read my words and judge me is so frightening.... but, this blog saves my life. Telling on myself lightens the weight I put on my own shoulders. I know, I cannot be the only person out there - that feels this way sometimes. I am not sure what to do about it. Am I depressed? I don't know?!? Would I ever do anything to really hurt myself? I haven't, but I've had some pretty detailed thoughts.
Last night, was one of those really low moments. I fell asleep listening to my SIA station on Pandora, hoping it would make me fall asleep and forget my troubles. I tossed and turned all night. I was remembering words and phrases from past relationships. Why is it so hard for me to love the right guys?!?! The ones that want to give me everything... that hold me while we sleep, rub my back after a long day at work, cook me dinner, buy me plants for my backyard... !!?!?! I got so freaked out the other night after a heavy petting - turned into nakedness with a really nice guy. Why? Because, it seemed like he was cold and impersonal... but, was he? Or am I just completely disconnected? He put his hands around my neck a few times while we were being passionate, but it didn't feel like passion to me - it felt aggressive and more like choking. BUT, is that what he did?? OR... was I wishing he'd choke me? Maybe, if this big strong guy turns out to be crazy - I can run to the man I really want - for help. Which is what I did. Was I rescued? No. He didn't do much except tell me, via text, to keep dating. Thanks, that is just what I needed to hear (insert sarcasm)... I suppose, I set myself up for disappointment, by contacting HIM for help. Did I really think he'd rush over to comfort me?!?! That's not really his strong point.
Blah. This is dumb. I don't understand my heart or my head right now. It's dark, confused and dangerous.
Thoughts on getting out of this frame of mind?
I am hug-less and kiss-less today.
So, I realize it's been like a WEEK since my last post. All I can say, is that I am so fucking busy... I can hardly see straight (or bi-curious for that matter). Don't get me wrong, I am lovin it! BUT, I am feeling the pressure of life right now. One thing I always notice about myself, I am constantly challenged with money problems. It can be a real bummer. These money issues are usually ghosts of my past that float above me and make sure I have gray hair popping up as a reminder. Boink*... did you pay THAT one bill, Rebecca?!? Shit. Yeah... Yeah...Yeah... I hear ya...Pluck*. I've never been that great with money. In fact, I usually have a blast spending my cash and living my life. Make it RAIN, bitches! I know, that is not the smartest way to be with my finances. My parents have always tried to coerce my brain into saving mode...it is such a disconnect for me. BUT - 2013, is the year for me to get my shit together, save some mula and pay off any outstanding bills. Money can be an interesting subject in the dating world. It tends to be very touchy for some. I don't like to bring up the fact that I am a ditz about it, but if asked... I will be very honest. I don't have a mountain of debt, by any means... but I do have a few things that just don't seem to go away from my Jenicca's days. It won't haunt me forever... I know this. I am very thankful to have a job and look forward to my mailbox being empty some day.
Let's see... what else has been happening? Even though I struggled with this one a little, I decided NOT to meet the Scranton guy. Especially, after chatting with my sister, I realized how THIS new situation, is what I've been wanting. Why would I risk screwing it up?!?! I am feeling a pretty awesome connection with a new guy. I can't decide on his name for my blog... some people call him "Big Sexy"... but I'd like to come up with my own nick name. He does the sweetest things. For instance, at a concert the other night... when I was finished drinking my beer, he asked if I was done....took it and threw it away, went to the bar and got me another one, held my purse while I squirmed out of my jacket and stood behind me during the show... all snuggled up... as simple as this stuff sounds - I was in complete heaven. It has been a while since a guy showed me affection. It feels great! I am very handsy and lovey... so, to be interested in someone that is like that TOO - is such a bonus. Taking it slow is still a high priority for me, though. I am known for moving too fast and falling head over heels quickly. This is a constant battle between my head and my heart. I'd like to see the real friendship and relationship move faster than the sex. He may not love this idea, but it is so important to me. I have to change some of my bad habits.... otherwise... I will never get a different result.
As my dismal lonely side dissolves with this quench of happiness... I find myself unable to be down about anything. Everything is just as it should be.
Cheers to the simple things!